JOIN THE CREW

current positions

objectives:

culture:

// BORIS RECRUITMENT ENGINE v1.0
// status: ACTIVELY HIRING

const CREW_REQUIREMENTS = {
  minCrew: 30,
  maxCrew: 50,
  qualityThreshold: "good men",
  speciesAllowed: ["human", "goblin", "orc", "cursed"],
};

function evaluateCandidate(applicant) {
  // Step 1: Check if they can hold their grog
  const grogTest = applicant.grogCapacity >= 3; // pints
  
  // Step 2: Verify they won't mutiny (probably)
  const loyaltyScore = assessLoyalty(applicant);
  const mutinyRisk = loyaltyScore < 0.3;
  
  // Step 3: Can they actually do the job?
  const hasSkills = applicant.skills.some(
    s => NEEDED_SKILLS.includes(s)
  );
  
  // Step 4: The vibes check
  const passesVibes = applicant.personalityType !== "snitch";
  
  return {
    accepted: grogTest && !mutinyRisk && hasSkills && passesVibes,
    treasureShare: calculateShare(applicant),
    startDate: nextFullMoon(),
  };
}

/* COMPENSATION STRUCTURE
   
   Base: 1 share of all plunder
   Bonus: +0.5 share per year survived
   Signing: 10 doubloons + one (1) eye patch
   
   Benefits:
   - Unlimited grog (within reason)
   - Shore leave (when Captain permits)
   - Loot first-pick rotation
   - Burial at sea (if needed)
*/

const CAREER_PROGRESSION = {
  "Deck Hand": { yearsRequired: 0, share: 1.0 },
  "Able Seaman": { yearsRequired: 1, share: 1.25 },
  "Boatswain": { yearsRequired: 3, share: 1.5 },
  "First Mate": { yearsRequired: 5, share: 2.0 },
  "Captain": { yearsRequired: "mutiny", share: "all of it" },
};

// APPLICATION PROCESS
function applyToBoris(candidate) {
  console.log("Received application from:", candidate.name);
  
  // We read every application
  // (eventually)
  // (the parrot helps)
  
  if (candidate.coverLetter.includes("synergy")) {
    return reject("No corporate speak on this ship");
  }
  
  if (candidate.previousEmployer === "Royal Navy") {
    return flagForReview("Potential spy. Proceed with caution.");
  }
  
  return scheduleInterview({
    location: "The Rusty Anchor Tavern",
    time: "When the tide is high",
    bringYourOwn: ["Sword", "Resume", "Sense of adventure"],
  });
}

/* EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER
   
   We do not discriminate based on:
   - Number of limbs (peg legs welcome)
   - Curse status (werewolves need not apply on full moons)
   - Previous piracy convictions
   - Eye patch requirements
   - Parrot ownership
   
   We DO discriminate against:
   - Royal Navy informants
   - People who say "it's not in my job description"
   - Those afraid of sea monsters
   - Anyone who gets seasick
*/

// TO APPLY:
// 1. Send message in a bottle to our coordinates
// 2. Or email: jobs@borisstudios.com
// 3. Subject line: "Ready to sail"
// 4. Attach: Your best treasure map (optional)

console.log("Fair winds and following seas, candidate.");